By: Timothy Ward
I'm poor. And I'm not ashamed of it. Actually, I'm
kind of proud of myself for being poor. It's an
accomplishment that many people will never
attain. Some people will go through their whole life
and never know what it's like to experience some
of the finer points of poverty like eating ramon
noodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 5 days a
week. My heart goes out to these types of people.
The Fourtunate Ones. People who've always had
electricity, nice cars, and proper clothing.
I wasn't always poor. I had to work hard at it. I had
to quit several jobs without finding new ones. I
had to spend 75% of my paycheck at the bar
when I knew my bills would have easily taken
90%. I had to max out credit cards and never pay
on them. I had to give money to females that I
knew would never pay it back. And most
importantly I had to move to a small town where
$6.00 and hour is considered 'good money'.
I didn't know that I was putting myself in line for
poverty while I was doing all these things. I just
woke up one day and realized that I couldn't pay
my car note because I only had 11 cents in the
bank. And that's when it hit me: I'm POOR! It took
me 25 long years but I finally nose-dived below
the poverty line. I was now in the same category
as the homeless and welfare recipients. No more
was I hindered by riches. I had shed that lifestyle. I
got up and fixed myself a mayonaisse sandwich to
celebrate. Delicious!
As a poor person I am entitled to certain
privledges to which the well-to-do won't every be
privy. I decide haved to list a few:
- Instead of lugging around a wallet full of heavy
dollar bills I now pay for important purchases like
gasoline and food with spare change that I
scavenge up around the
house.
- I get to shop at stores with improperly spelled
titles like Sav-A-Lot, Thrif-Ti-Mart, and DisKount
King. These stores offer a wide variety of
out-dated, slightly damaged merchandise that
Wal-Mart shoppers can only dream of.
- I get to drool at resturant commercials on TV
because I know I will never be able to afford meals
like that again unless a rich relative dies
- I get to wear my friend's hand-me-down clothes
and shoes. This means that I rarely match and my
feet ache constantly from wearing shoes that are
three sizes too small.
- I get to freely engage in the offical sports of the
National Poor People's Association: begging and
borrowing.
- I get to go to bed every night with the comforting
thought that if I ever do meet Ms.Right I can't
afford to date her.
I'll stop there because I see the envy rising to
dangerous levels in a few reader's eyes. These
readers probably have steady jobs and nice
homes or apartments. Their bills are probably
caught up. They probably have an immense
wardrobe with properly sized shoes. Their bank
account probably never drops below $5,000. I
apologize to these readers if my boasting about
my impoverished condition has made them feel
inferior and totally removed any self-esteem they
may have had left. All I can say is that I never
meant to be poor. I was just in the right places at
the right times. Maybe one day all of you will find
yourselves on the Road to Rags as well. Until
then you can check in with me if you want to know
what it's like. I'll be the guy on the side of the
interstate off-ramp with the 'Will Work For Food'
sign. Pull your Mercedes right up and ask me
anything. I promise I won't laugh.
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Article Source: http://articlecrazy.com
Timothy Ward has decided to go on a hunger
strike until his humor column, 'I Never Said I Was
Normal', gets over 1000 subscribers. You can
help to end his fast by visiting
www.timothy-ward.com and signing up. Please
hurry, his ribs are already showing
