This Month's
Funny Horoscope
VIRGO
(Aug. 23 -Sept. 23)
Money is tight this month due to the prices you’
ve had to pay for gasoline. Instead of the trip
you have planned for all year you’ll be taking a
cruise on the internet surfing to the places you
had planned on visiting. Be sure to grab your
digital camera and take pictures so you can put
them in your scrapbook.
Fast Foods: coney dogs, bratwurst, pita pockets
LIBRA
(Sept. 24 -Oct. 23)
It’s time to think ahead for the upcoming
holidays. It won’t be long before you have little
people knocking on your door wanting candy. If
you start early you can be stocked up for the
trick or treaters and still be able to pay your light
bill. Load as many of your kids and the
neighborhood kids in your car that will fit. When
you go to the bank to cash your check the teller
should give you enough candy for all the kids.
Be discrete and don’t let the kids see the candy.
Do this weekly and you should be able to
answer your door on Halloween.
Fast Foods: bbq chicken, jalapeno poppers,
shrimp
SCORPIO
(Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
This is a good month to make new friendships
and get those little things around the home done
that just weren’t top priority. You’ve been feeling
sluggish and feeling alone. Be creative and
make some invitations up for a housecleaning
party! Carry them on you and be sure to hand
them out to new people that you meet. They
should be thrilled to come, after all you aren’t
asking them to spend any money!
Fast Foods: nachos, potato soup, fish sticks
SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 23 -Dec. 21)
You are anxious to get a jump on the season
and have all that pent up energy just waiting to
burn off. If you must, climb a few trees and snip
the leaves off so you can rake them up. It’s best
not to go up there and shake them off, the
neighbors may mistake that as an anger
management problem.
Fast Foods: beef manhattans, corn dogs,
chicken nuggets
CAPRICORN
(Dec 22.- Jan. 20)
This can be a confusing month for you and you’
ll tend to be forgetful. Stay ahead of the game
and make notes where you are sure to see
them. Recent studies have shown that women
who write their notes down on fresh toilet paper
rolls are less likely to be labeled as nagging.
They are just considered anal.
Fast Foods: cheese pizza, chef salad, sushi
AQUARIUS
(Jan. 21 -Feb. 19)
Life will be so sweet for you this month you will
need to avoid the rain to keep from melting. You
will be coming into an undisclosed amount of
money, all those rebate forms you forgot you
mailed out will finally pay off! Now you can
afford that trip to the library.
Fast Foods: spaghetti, fried clams, buffalo wings
PISCES
(Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
Romance is in your future. Unbeknownst to you
your best friend has submitted an online singles
ad for you and posted the picture of you from
last years New Years Eve party. You should be
getting emails very soon!
Fast Food: grilled chicken, taco salad, lobster
ARIES
(Mar. 21- April 20)
Hidden treasures can be found around your
home this month if you get around to doing your
laundry and cleaning out those pants pockets!
You’ve been feeling left out lately and need
some extra attention. Try skipping through the
store when you go get groceries and maybe
sing one of your favorite commercial jingles for
each item you toss in the cart.
Fast Foods: tacos, hot dogs, French fries
TAURUS
(Apr. 21- may 21)
Hold on to your britches this month is going to
be a wild ride. Do your part in the recycling to
keep the landfills from filling up. Be sure to save
all the labels and boxes from the foods you
prepare for dinner. Take them to work to
decorate your office or cubicle. Don’t be
surprised if you get a special visit from your
boss this month.
Fast Foods: cheeseburgers, chicken fingers,
onion rings
GEMINI
(May 22-June 21)
This is a good month to bond with your kids. At
night while they are sleeping gather up all of
their shoes and hide them in the shower (they’ll
never look there). When they come to you in the
morning looking for them, don’t panic, you haven’
t forgotten one of your children, that is the
neighbor’s kid.
Fast Foods: soup, fish filet, walnut salad
CANCER
(June 22-July 22)
Consider taking a break from it all this month.
Set an appointment up for a tour of your local
looney bin. Friends and family won’t be tempted
to bother you there or ask to come along. They
have special activities, three cooked meals a
day, and the best part is you don’t have to have
cash up front when you make the reservation.
Fast Foods: mystery meat, pudding, jello
LEO
(July 23-Aug 22)
Your home has become the gathering spot for
friends, family, neighbors, and even a few
stragglers you don’t recognize. It can be
overwhelming if you don’t put a stop to it. You
are a caring person with a big heart and don’t
want to hurt the feelings of others. Take a drive
to your local market, purchase a few dozen eggs
and head back home. Discreetly check to make
sure everyone knows you have arrived back
home. Start pummeling your car with the eggs
laughing hysterically. Your guests will start
sneaking away one by one and most likely you
won’t hear from them again for weeks.
Fast Foods: spicy burritos, ribs, pizza
Disclaimer Warning: Do not attempt any of the
above mentioned stunts. They could be
dangerous and have adverse effects. If you
have food allergies it is not recommended to eat
the fast foods that are listed. If you are prone to
gaining weight it is not recommended to eat the
fast foods that are listed. For entertainment
purposes only. This is a joke and only intended
to create laughter. Repeat: This is only a joke.
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